Looking for a new religion.

Well, it's been over two years since I underwent a conversion from skeptical agnostic to atheist.  In that time, I have had a lot of time to reflect on the decision making process that I went through.  While still satisfied that there is no god, I've come to a conclusion that there is one severe flaw in my decision not to join any religion.

You see, as a full-time student, I find that there is one very significant difference between the Spring and Fall semesters.  That being, in the Spring, we get a week off for Spring Break almost directly half-way through the semester.  This is the perfect time for students to get caught up on homework and relax, and come back to campus at least a little more prepared for the rest of the semester.  In the fall, however, "Fall Break" always falls on Thanksgiving.  For a semester that starts in early August, this is way too late for a mid-semester break.  By the time "Fall Break" comes around, most of your papers have already been turned in, midterms are over, and you come back to campus stressed out about upcoming finals.  Add this to the need to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with friends and/or family, and we end up with a real mess. 

So, I've come up with a solution.  The school is not allowed to punish you if you take time off for a religious holiday.  You may have to catch up on work you missed, but you can't be counted as absent or have any penalties against you.  The problem is, I need to find a religion with a week-long holiday in early to mid-October that requires full-time worship which would not allow me to be on campus.

So, I've been looking.  I ruled out Christianity very quickly.  Since this is a nation with a strong Christian background, the most important Christian holidays are already school holidays.  Also, Christianity does not have any week-long celebrations in early October.

Islam looked promising.  Ramadan is a month-long holiday, and the first time I thought about this, it was taking place at the right time.  Until I found out, in my Middle East History class, that the reason that Ramadan seems to move around is that the Islamic calendar, a lunar calendar, does not sync up well with our solar calendar.  Ramadan is earlier for every Christian/Standard calendar year.  Also, Islam does not require its followers to stop working or going to school during Ramadan, only to stop eating and drinking during the day.  No thanks.

I considered Judaism.  The really nice thing about Judaism is that not even most Jews have all of the holidays memorized.  You can find a holiday to match almost any need.  And, depending on the exact branch of Judaism one chose, some of them are even open to homosexuality, so I wouldn't even have to pretend to ditch Mark.  Two points for Judaism.  Then I thought about the Kosher rules.  No Bratwurst on a sunny summer day?  No bacon with my omelet?  I'd have to keep two sets of dishes clean?  Mind you, I'm trying to cut back on my meat consumption, but this would be a little drastic.

Scientology seemed interesting, at first.  I didn't know if they had any holidays that would fit my needs, but I am a big science fiction buff.  I thought, well maybe I could convince myself that we were planted here by aliens easier than by a magic man who lives in the clouds.  Actually, that part does not defy reason.  However, I remembered that, much as I love Science Fiction, the worst Sci-Fi I've ever read (including most of the worst of the student writings from my Science Fiction writing seminar) was by L. Ron Hubbard.  If I had to commit to reading anything else the incompetent hack wrote and actually had to pretend to believe it, I'd go insane.

Pastafarianism, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, seemed much more rational.  After all, I think I was touched by his noodly appendage last week.  Also, Pastafarians acknowledge global warming as an actual occurrence, and have a rational plan to fight it - dressing like pirates!  The graph on the web site is very convincing in showing the direct correlation between the number of pirates in the world and global climate change.  I was nearly convinced, and went on Amazon.com to order a copy of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  I was even looking for pirate clothing at the local thrift store.  Then I remembered the purpose of my quest.  The only official holiday Pastafarians celebrate is International Dress Like a Pirate Day.  Since the goal is to spread the word of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you don't even get to stay home for this holiday.  So close - and yet so far.

Buddhism had a brief appeal because of its nontheistic aspects.  After all, the Buddha is not really a god in the same since that Jehovah/Jesus/Allah/Holy Ghost is.  He's just a man who found enlightenment.  Buddhism actually has a lot of appeal for me.  I just have a bit of a problem with the whole Buddhist stance on reincarnation.  Really, I believe that if there is any part of our mind or soul that survives beyond death, reincarnation actually makes a lot of sense.  Recycling is one of nature's favorite tricks, and reincarnation is actually quite rational.  The problem comes when you realize that many Buddhists beleive that suffering people in this world deserve their suffering because they were bad people in a past life.  That, I just couldn't buy into (to be fair, many Buddhists don't take the idea of karma to this extreme.)  Besides, as far as I can tell, no mid-October week-long holiday.

I began to think about polytheistic religions.  After all, if there are more gods, there should be more holidays, right?  The problem with this is that I sincerely believe that there is no god.  Pretending to believe there is one god might be rough, but I'd have a very hard time trying to convince myself that there's a whole slew of them.

So, I'm still looking.  I'd like to list some of the qualifications I need in a religion:

• A week-long holiday in early to mid October that requires me to take off from school.
• Holiday cannot require long periods of fast, sacrifice, or prayer.  This is a vacation, after all.
• Deity must be kind at all times.  No bipolar Jehovah/Jesus type characters.
• In addition, there must not be a belief in "hell".  Infinite punishment for a finite "sin" is not justice in any form.
• Pretending to believe must satisfy requirements for membership.
• I cannot do much more than pretend.  
• I must also be free, within the religion, to state that all of its dogma is a pile of dogma.
• Deity is required to have no input in my love life, sex life, academic life, what I read, what I watch, who I vote for, or what substances I ingest.
• Regular attendance at a place of worship must not be required.
• The reason for me joining this religion is not to network, not to make new religious friends, nor even to find inner peace.  The reason is practical.  To have a week off in October.  I'll pay a reasonable financial tithe for this privilege, but the religion must not expect any more of me.
• Religion must not require a certain amount of tithing.
• Percentage-based tithing is nothing other than taxation.  For a tax-exempt organization, this seems very shady to me.
• Religion must not require that I believe the irrational without a rational explanation.

Looking over this list, I think I'm stuck with atheism.  Darn, I so wanted that week off!