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Mark,
So, I went to rip that CD you wanted this morning, and the mouse wasn't working with the iBook. It's a Microsoft Bluetooth Mouse that I bought for $30 on sale just after I got my MacBook. I've not been terribly impressed with the mouse, and have since replaced it with a Logitech I like a lot better. Actually, I think I ended up getting the Logitech after I thought I had lost the Microsoft, then found it later.
Anyway, I called up Microsoft tech support, and ended up dealing with the most annoying phone system ever. To the best of my memory, this is how it went down. Too bad I didn't know in advance to record it...
Computer: "Thank you for calling Microsoft. How can I assist you today?"
Me: "Warranty service."
Computer: "I'm sorry, that is not a valid option. You may say "customer service, call an employee, or technical support."
Me: "I never thought I'd miss "press 1 for this, 2 for that."
Computer "I'm sorry, that is not a valid option. You may say "customer service, call an employee, or technical support."
Me: "Technical support."
Computer: "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you correctly. You may say "customer service, call an employee, or technical support."
Me: (Remembering having been told that saying "agent" will get you a live person on the line.) "Agent."
Computer: "Okay, call an employee."
Me: "No."
Computer: "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you correctly. You may say the employee's name or extension number, or say "go back" to go to the main menu.
Me: "Go back."
Computer: "You are at the main menu. How can I assist you today?"
Me: "Technical Support."
Computer: "What product are you calling about?" (At which point, I'm shocked that it understood me at all.)
Me: "Microsoft Bluetooth Notebook Mouse 5000."
Computer: "Okay, Microsoft Word 2007. Did the software come with your computer?"
Me: "No. Go back."
Computer: "What product are you calling about?" (Wow, it understood "go back")...
Me: "Microsoft Bluetooth Notebook Mouse 5000."
Computer: "Okay, Microsoft Excel for Windows 2003. Did the software come with your computer?"
Me: "Agent."
Computer: "Okay, the software came with your Acer computer. What kind of customer are you?"
Me: "Agent."
Computer: "Okay, you are a business customer. Do you have a claim number?"
Me: "Fuck off!"
Computer: "Okay, I'm sorry I could not help you. Connecting you to an agent now."
So, in other words, the only command the computer really understands is "fuck off!" Don't beleive what they say about saying "agent" to talk to a real person. In Microsoft's case, you have to tell the computer how you really feel!
Once I talked to a human, they walked me through everything, including "have you turned the mouse on?" and found that the mouse was faulty. They are sending a new replacement.
Just remember, if you get stuck with a phone computer that doesn't want to listen, the correct command, apparently, is "fuck off!"
So, I went to rip that CD you wanted this morning, and the mouse wasn't working with the iBook. It's a Microsoft Bluetooth Mouse that I bought for $30 on sale just after I got my MacBook. I've not been terribly impressed with the mouse, and have since replaced it with a Logitech I like a lot better. Actually, I think I ended up getting the Logitech after I thought I had lost the Microsoft, then found it later.
Anyway, I called up Microsoft tech support, and ended up dealing with the most annoying phone system ever. To the best of my memory, this is how it went down. Too bad I didn't know in advance to record it...
Computer: "Thank you for calling Microsoft. How can I assist you today?"
Me: "Warranty service."
Computer: "I'm sorry, that is not a valid option. You may say "customer service, call an employee, or technical support."
Me: "I never thought I'd miss "press 1 for this, 2 for that."
Computer "I'm sorry, that is not a valid option. You may say "customer service, call an employee, or technical support."
Me: "Technical support."
Computer: "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you correctly. You may say "customer service, call an employee, or technical support."
Me: (Remembering having been told that saying "agent" will get you a live person on the line.) "Agent."
Computer: "Okay, call an employee."
Me: "No."
Computer: "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you correctly. You may say the employee's name or extension number, or say "go back" to go to the main menu.
Me: "Go back."
Computer: "You are at the main menu. How can I assist you today?"
Me: "Technical Support."
Computer: "What product are you calling about?" (At which point, I'm shocked that it understood me at all.)
Me: "Microsoft Bluetooth Notebook Mouse 5000."
Computer: "Okay, Microsoft Word 2007. Did the software come with your computer?"
Me: "No. Go back."
Computer: "What product are you calling about?" (Wow, it understood "go back")...
Me: "Microsoft Bluetooth Notebook Mouse 5000."
Computer: "Okay, Microsoft Excel for Windows 2003. Did the software come with your computer?"
Me: "Agent."
Computer: "Okay, the software came with your Acer computer. What kind of customer are you?"
Me: "Agent."
Computer: "Okay, you are a business customer. Do you have a claim number?"
Me: "Fuck off!"
Computer: "Okay, I'm sorry I could not help you. Connecting you to an agent now."
So, in other words, the only command the computer really understands is "fuck off!" Don't beleive what they say about saying "agent" to talk to a real person. In Microsoft's case, you have to tell the computer how you really feel!
Once I talked to a human, they walked me through everything, including "have you turned the mouse on?" and found that the mouse was faulty. They are sending a new replacement.
Just remember, if you get stuck with a phone computer that doesn't want to listen, the correct command, apparently, is "fuck off!"
Doris Lessing has a character in The Four-Gated City who keeps notes like this on how nothing works anymore. This was in the 60s.
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